Wednesday, May 18, 2005

i'm complimented, but not interested

last night it was stephen's night to put wile to bed (under the new sleep regime) and he put him down and he slept for four hours. it was amazing. i even wrote a really euphoric post about it this morning, which never made it to press b/c blogger ate it, but anyway i wrote it and was really happy and cautiously optimistic.

tonight stephen went to see mercury rev and it was my night to put him down. it started out really well: i nursed him and then walked him around, and he fell asleep very easily and things were looking good and then he slept hour. one! hour! one!!! and when i went up to put him back down, it took me an hour to get him to go down—i tried just walking him, but he would wake up when i put him down. then i finally gave in and nursed him, but every time i tried to disengage he would half wake up and fuss....

so i'm trying to put a good spin on this and tell myself that it's because he wants to be with me, wants me there with him, is happier when i'm next to him. which is a nice way to think about it, but doesn't change the fact that him sleeping for an hour at a pop just plain sucks.

and really i don't think he wants me as much as he wants the boobs. and thinking that makes me flash back to seventh grade, when i was crying over some boy and lamenting that none of the boys liked me and telling my well-endowed bff that she couldn't understand my pain and she said "boys don't like me either—they like this [pointing to right breast] and this [pointing to left breast]!" (and as much as i knew she was right i just could not feel for her b/c a) no pain can eclipse 13-year-old-girl pain, even the pain of another 13-year-old girl, and b) my 32-aaaa self would have been just fine with the boys liking me for my chest....). so now i'm not only exhausted and worrying that wile is destined for a life of insomnia, i'm also flashing back on junior high. awesome. now if someone could just come over and feed me some bananas mixed with cooked raisins and maybe pop in a rush cd, my night would be complete.

i'm going to bed.

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