how to make 35 minutes feel like an eternity

8:15 - i take the little man off the boob and begin the walking-to-sleep prOcess

8:16 - hope that my parched throat will hang in there so that i can continue to hum the bedtime song [note: why the offspring of a jew and an atheist ended up with this particular bedtime song is, yes, a very good question]

8:17 - how is it possible that when you whack your skull into my mouth so hard that i taste blood you don't really seem to notice that anything has happened?

8:18 - still completely awake, looking around the room, reaching out the little paws for everything

8:19 - still awake, giving me the baby heisman and swiveling the head around like linda blair

8:20 - no, now is not the time to play with the buttons on mama's shirt. no, it's really not. no, i'm telling you it's no—okay, off comes the shirt.

8:21 - don't you look at me like that. you are not cute right now, not even a little bit. alright maybe a little bit. i'm going to close my eyes now so that i don't smile at you by mistake.

8:22 - oh, so laying on my chest like you were, where your weight was evenly distributed and my shoulder was supporting your head wasn't comfortable? no? you like it better when you're at this cockamamie angle where i have to lean back in a semi-limbo position to keep you from slipping and the muscles in my left arm feel like they're going to start convulsing in a few minutes? i see.

8:23 - getting...limper...

8:24 - ...head...going down...

8:25 - ...oh, hallelujah, you seem to be asleep.... okay, now just need to walk for another 10 minutes or so till i'm sure you're really out.

8:27 - butch's friend opens the door of his car and pumps the stereo, which somehow doesn't wake you up but makes it kinda hard to keep on tune with the humming...hope you like r&b remix of the bedtime song...

8:30 - stephen coughs downstairs, sounding like a grizzly bear hacking up a hairball. astoundingly this also doesn't wake you....

8:32 - for some reason this pops into my head and i nearly choke trying not to laugh out loud

8:34 - i think my lower vertebrae have fused. no, seriously.

8:35 - okay, going to gently try putting him down...getting hand out from under head...hand out from under butt...it seems like we may have accomp—uh oh. writhing...head-tossing...aaaaand open eyed fussing. gaaaaaaaaaar!! up we go again.

8:38 - oh, the whining.

8:40 - the limpness has set in again. and we are back at square one, which makes me think about the awesome show that used to be on channel thirteen. my favorite part was "mathnet" (you know, like dragnet. duh), and the one case that i always remember is the one where the famous singer got kidnapped and they found him b/c when he was allowed his one phone conversation with the mathnet detectives, he sang "please do what these people say" to the tune that the phone number of where he was being held would be if you dialed it (cause this was back before cell phones), and i thought that was very cool and can still sing you that tune to this day, and stephen remembers a mathnet case where they were finding a lost gorilla and yeardley smith played the girl who lost the gorilla but i never saw that one and think he must be making it up.

8:45 - sweet! reminiscing about square one killed five minutes!

8:50 - i am putting him down again. sliding...hands...out.... slight bit of movement...aaaaand.....goooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaal! goalgoalgoalgoalgoalgoalgoalgoalgoalgoalgoalgoalgoal! high five myself silently and get the hell out of there.