get behind me you freaking moron

i haven't been to a big stadium rawk concert in....jeez. a long time. and granted, keyspan park is no meadowlands, but still, the crowd is different at a big stadium show than it is at the places that i more frequently see music (knitting factory, bowery ballroom, roseland, et al.)

specifically: there are a ton more assholes.

stephen, syd, little brother ben and i went down to coney island to keyspan park last night to see the white stripes with brendan benson and the shins. and it was 99% awesome: it was a gorgeous night, the music was fantastic, jack white looked a lot less like michael jackson than he did on the cover of rolling stone, and we were in a good spot—close but not too close—and surrounded by people who knew how to be at a show: dance but don't flail, don't come in my square foot and i won't come in yours, don't let people by unless they promise they're going to keep it moving and not horn in on our nice little patch of ground, don't screech like a banshee or sing all the words to the song so loud that i can't hear the actual singer just to prove that you're like such a huge fan you know all the words to all the songs hell yeah!

then like a couple of songs into the white stripes' set this tall guy in a red t-shirt fell into me from behind. at first i figured that he was just waaaay too fucked up, because he was half-limp and had this kinda unfocused look on his face. but regardless of what his deal was, he had just almost taken me out and then bounced off me and knocked into syd, so i did what seemed to be the right thing to do in this situation: i shoved him off us on to the ground. he managed to not go down totally, but the stephen grabbed him and asked him what the fuck his problem was, and he asked stephen what his problem was, and asked him if he'd ever been to a rock concert before, and told him that he'd been to "over 100" rock concerts. stephen was like "you just almost decapitated my wife and my friend, jerkoff", but the guy just shook him off, turned around, and stepped over and stood in front of us! which is when i realized that he wasn't fucked up at all, but that flailing and thrashing and crashing into people was his way of making his way through the crowd to where he wanted to be! un. be. liev. a. ble. cause you know it's funny but i think i've been to "over 100" concerts, and i've never encountered anyone who thought that making yourself into a one-man mosh pit was an acceptable way to get through the crowd....

a little while later, i hear some commotion over to my right, so i look over and see some other ass clown falling into people, and hear people yelling "what the fuck?" and "take it easy, buddy!" while they push the guy off them, and then watch as this new guy rights himself and....comes over and stands next to douchebag number one! it's his friend! of course!

soon after douchebag number two arrived, syd, who had been keeping up a steady campaign of kicking number one in the heels, decided to tell number one that he was truly obnoxious, and he gave her the same speech about having been to "over 100" rock concerts.

of course, after the show, after the shithead twins had left (before the lights even came up to avoid the wrath of everyone they had pissed off), we thought of a couple of proper responses to the "over 100 concerts" speech:

option 1
"i've been to over 100 rock concerts!"
"can you suck your own dick? cause then i'd be impressed."

option 2
"i've been to over 100 rock concerts!"
"yeah, so have i. and there's an asshole at every one of them."

and of course me and my subtle, peaceful nature just fantasized about grabbing their heads and knocking them together like a couple of coconuts.